A War With Myself

I cant believe I’m 20lbs down from my heaviest when I feel worse than ever. This body I have now feels, and I think looks, like a saggy older 300lb version of me.
Hello My name is Jenni, I’m 22, and I’m a life-phobic.
I’ve graciously inherited my mothers talent and desires to stay in my bed for the rest of my life. Did I mention that she died t the age of 55 last year?
Some times I wont go out side unless I have a class or appointment, and some times I skip those too.
I feel a little A.D.D. walking around my house, going from couch to couch, barely being able to pay attention to an entire TV show, before grabbing the computer, or playing with my cat, or falling asleep. But I’m so out of shape I can barely make it up the stairs. I know I have gifts and talents that i could use in the world, but I am such an anxiety ridden, picky eating, shut in, that I don’t do much at all. The farther away from home I have to go , or the longer it takes to get some where, the more anxious I am. I hate even walking the quarter mile to class 4 times a week. Some times the most sun light i see is when i open the front door to grab the mail right out side of it. Also food is a huge comfort to me, and I dont have a variety of things I’m willing to eat. I have issues with food textures and flavors, and i only really eat bread, dairy, chocolate… and some meat and a couple fruits. I have a sensitive stomach and am sick a lot and gag easily. most of the food i eat would be considered really plain, but high in calories. I am still searching for the right thing to ‘click’ where my motivation, psyche, inspiration, and plan, all make sense and work as a life style for me. I Just sabotage myself because i kinda gave up after i met my future husband ADAM. I found the one and he loves me any way I am, and that doesnt make me wanna change. I dont even go out and socialize anymore cause people are complicated and often cruel and I already found what I wanted. I’m really going down hill in almost every way. I’m on anti-depressants, but I need some inspiration to get consious about my health.. i need a better reason to care. I’ 22 lazy and mentally crippled… what do I do now.. can I do anything?

i cant believe what just denying myself excess has done. i have lost 14lbs in the last 4 weeks, even WITH a 2lb gain on week 3. last week i lost 8lbs miraculously. this week i’m terribly sick (but eating more to keep up strength, nothing bad tho) and i’m a meer 6lbs from a 20lb goal,  but if i only loose 4 it will take me to a milestone of 275 which i havent seen in a bit, and it sounds so much better than the 293 i started out. i would be happy with either, but damn i wish my lungs were healthy enough to do some cardio, i’m watching the biggest looser right now, i’m pumped, how much can i do in 2 days when i was just at the ER yesterday… if i can see 273, i will kiss the cute weigh in guy… bring it on…

so i have been lagging at weigh in’s and my ex had still been spoiling me with nice dinners untill this week. so this week i lost my ex and…… 7.75 lbs!!!! i’m amazing. i’m taking my team to the goal b*tches!!!! thank god i lost my apetite.

FAT ASS!! is all i keep hearing resounding in my head.. i lost 4lbs then gained 2.  i cant stop all my bad habbits even tho most things i do are good, and i cant find the motivation to keep constant exercize going… i feel like im probably gaining again.. i wanna just stop eating but it will shoot my metabolism, i know that, but i am a food addict. and its worse than any drug cause i have to have it and its socially acceptable.. im going to die and be carried out of my house by crain

this is almost to the completion on my first week of serious diet competition. i only had 2 bad ’splurge’s’ one was i mis calculated my cereal and at like 600cal worth, and then one night i went to a chiona buffet but i only had one plate,

i have been using my will power to its very limits and i still feel liek i weigh 300lbs.. when do i feel better? when do i notice any difference? when i used to go to fat camp in the summers i’s loose AT LEAST 10lbs in the first week, i feel like i may have even gained.. maybe i am destined to  be one of tghose people taken out of their out with a crane.

i am feeling hungry and fat and sad..  i think i’m going to fast today

i had an almost 800cal breakfast (trust me i didnt know it was that bad till i logged it) but im still so hungery.. im taking 2 apetite and carb supressants, WTF

Food Log